went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
