So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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