:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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