Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
