Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
