Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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