I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
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