Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
