The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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