I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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