Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I enjoy the company of your penis
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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