when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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