RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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