Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
