I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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