I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
