I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize