I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
