Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
