why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
