I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
