mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
