i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
