Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
