Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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