the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
