He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
