had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
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