So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
