Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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