so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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