Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Houston, we have a blender
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
