i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
