Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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