everyone is single if you try hard enough
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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