I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
