he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
