Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
