Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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