Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
