I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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