sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
