Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize