She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
