I just pynch a tree in the face
I think my vagina is haunted
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
