In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
