Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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