I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
