so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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