we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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