Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
