So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
