"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize