I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
