Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
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