This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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