I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize